Mother - Spouse issue. I need some help / advice.?

Two years ago, my wife’s mother passed away from breast cancer. They were EXTREMELY close and ever since then, my wife has been involved in the “Race for the Cure”, a big event in our area which is basically a Walk-a-thon raising money for cancer research. This is her second year and the first step is to send out a mass email to your family %26amp; friends asking for a contribution. On this website, specific to my wife, displays the grand total and the individuals that contribute without disclosing how much each person gave. My wife has done great this year and has raised over 2,000 from virtually everyone in our life…except my parents.





Background: My mother and wife have what it seems to be a typical spouse/mother-in-law relationship. There is some awkwardness between them and they don’t fully understand each other but they are polite to each other and get along.Mother - Spouse issue. I need some help / advice.?
Too late the wedge between your mother and your wife has grown!!! Your mother is being cold and inconsiderate to your wife. $20 would have been a small gesture on your mothers part and would have shown your wife that she was considerate of her and her feelings. I don't think you can fix this. Your mother is the problem here not your wife, if your mother won't make an effort then the best you can hope for is for your wife to be cordial to her when she is in a family setting with her.





It sounds as if the issue here goes way beyond your mother not donating to your wife's cause. But your mothers statement in this matter was she just doesn't care and isn't going to make an effort. Mom sounds like a pain in the A$$!Mother - Spouse issue. I need some help / advice.?
There's always 2 sides to a story. Your mom may contribute to her own things and that's perfectly fine. There's nothing that says she has to contribute to what your wife believes in.


On the other hand, it would be a nice gesture for her to show support for what your wife is doing and for the memory of her mother.


Is sounds like there's alot more going on here then just a donation. There's something that's built up over time.


You, as her son can chose to either bring it out in the open, maybe talking to her alone without your wife. Or you can continue to live like this. If you decide to discuss it and your mom continues to play games, then as least you know you did your part. But make sure to really hear her side (have an open mind) before going in with your mind already made up.


Best of luck.
Your wife shouldn't take it personally. It isn't right to force them to contribute and I don't even think you should have confronted them about it if you knew they got the message. She has already raised a lot of money...why does she need your parent's money too??? I think your wife is being a little petty and should drop it.
It's great that you are so supportive of your wife and her cause and understand her so much, that's very commendable. BUT your mom has the right not to contribute, it is her money after all.





You've brought it up once so leave it at that. Your parents dont force you to contribute to their charities, right? So leave it alone. If your wife gets upset about it, tell her that she shouldnt expect everyone to contribute tho, money issues are big factors on how relationships turn out. Just be glad for those people who do contribute.
It was ok to ask your mom about it but your mom in no way should feel like she has to contribute. Your mom shouldn't feel bad for not contributing whatsoever.
i think ure mom should donate to ure wifes cause..how about dad?? its sad that ure mom cant c what this is doing to ure wife,ure mom should b proud that u hav a good wife,who is trying to help other people live longer,,n she should do it cause she loves her daughter nlaw,i could c her not helping if her daughtern law needed drug money,,thank god u hav a wonderfull wife n not a druggie,ure mom should b ashamed..
1. YOur wife is passionate about the issue, so it's understanding that she be upset. On her part, she should just let it go.


2. You could've just let it go, too, but it's cool, you did the protective husband thing. You asked your mom, and as long as you weren't accusatory about it, then you're in the right for the most part.


3. Your mom/parents are right in being able to donate to whichever charaties they wish, BUT, they could be atleast supportive of your wife and yourself. As parents, they're wrong not ourwardly almost falling over themselves to be the first in line to support their kids/inlaws issues.


Good luck with it.
No, your mom is being a royal B*tch!


She is just rude!


Is your dad still around?


Maybe talk to him!
Let her do it!
You were right and your mom is wrong! No matter what she has going on in her life with donations, what does it hurt to shell out $20 and show she supports your wife? Sounds like they are not the best of friends, which is ok, but you need to tell your mom if it were your program you would expect her to support it - it's not like you're asking for $100. Call her back and tell her this is a gesture of support and as the ';adult'; she should act like one.
I think it was good of you for your wife to ask your parents about it, as long as it doesn't drive a wedge in your relationship with them, after all, they are your parents. However, for your wife, I feel the same way your parents do. I choose the charities and things that I donate money to or participate in, so adding one simply because someone I know is participating in it just isn't for me, unless it is a cause I would normally donate to. On top of that, if I have already donated to that cause, maybe I don't want to add more money to what I have already given.





In today's world, we are so bombarded.with different charities, even being asked for donations from the fast food chains. Maybe your wife over did the letter/email combo. Maybe to your mom and dad, that was being pushy. I would feel like it was, I mean if I don't send anything for the first email, or letter, why would you send ot more?





I'm not trying to be mean and say what your wife did was wrong, please don't take that opinion, I'm just seeing things from your parent's view, and I think that they have the right to not donate. You shouldn't be affected, nor should your wife take offense.
Mom is definately wrong. Paying out the $20.00 would go a long way in smoothing out their relationship which your Mom as the older adult should be doing. You could make Mom feel really bad by donating $20.00 in her name and tell her not to say anything to your wife. Sounds like both have a few issues though and they both need to grow up. Tell your wife to kill your Mom with kindness, phony smiles and all.
support her every step of the way
I understand your wifes passion and I also understand your mom not wanting to feel obligated to donate. It sounds like your mom is being stubborn since she can afford it, but a donation is something someone gives freely - not something that should be expected or forced. I have certain charities that I feel connected to and pass on others. Your wife needs to understand that you can't force someone to donate. It's unfortunate that something like this has caused a wedge between them. You'll have a hard time convincing either of them that they are wrong so it's best to tell each of them that you don't want to be in the middle and that your wife has to respect your moms wishes not to donate for what ever the reason.
i think you should have just said mom, would you be willing to donate a couple bucks, and if she says no, then leave it at that. You cant force someone to do something they dont want to and to get angry or upset with them over it is stupid. Your wife should be holding her head up high and be proud of what she did accomplish and not worry about this.
Your were right in confronting your mother, I think it's rotten of her to refuse her own daughter in law... But You did what you could and that is comendable.. Now is the time to support your wife as much as you can. Apologize for your mother, and let it go- You cannot act for your mother, just support your wife and let her know how proud you are of her... Good Luck..
Let your wife know that your parents donate money to other charities. They could have their own reasons for donating to those.





Also, your wife pressuring people to donate may get your parents backs up. A lot of people will refuse to do something when they feel pressured, even if there is no good reason to refuse.





Donating to a charity should be about choosing to do so, not being forced to do so. At that point it isn't charity.
Everyone is passionate about something,it is great that your wife is about this charity,but I do not think she should expect everyone to feel the same,and I think she should remember that.I would tell your wife you love her and you are very proud of her efforts in this cause,but When she decided to take on this cause others are not responsible for her passion.Mother in law or sister,or whoever has the right to choose their own passions and work towards what they feel is their cause.It does not mean that your mother thinks she is wrong,it only says that she does not donate to this charity.So tell your wife it is not personal,it is a choice


that she should understand,because we all have our own passions!! good Luck,and your wife should be a little more understanding of others choices also.We are all different,it doesn't always have to be a family issue.Just my opinion,And I think your wife should be proud of her accomplishments and keep working hard and be proud of herself.And let others make their own decisions without getting upset!!!
What you need to do is explain the situation this way (ok it is wrong but in this case I would say this is the way to go) (Sorry for being long but you will get the idea.





';Mom, I know that you and *Suzy* don't get along and I have had to deal with the fact that the two most important women in my life don't get along the way I have always Wished for but that is my issue. This issue though is not just important to *Suzy* but to ME - Did you know there is research showing Women with a Direct Link to a Breast Cancer Victim, like a mother, double their chances of also having the disease. Do you KNOW how this scares me? To think that there is the chance that *Suzy* could be stricken by this and I could loose the Woman I LOVE with all my heart?


Mom, Please don't do this for *Suzy* do it for ME. I just can't imagine what *Suzy* has been through these last few years without her mom, I know I would be going through HELL if I lost you.


You know sometimes I see alot of you in her - You both believe in helping others, doing what is right and being supportive. I guess that is why I love her so much, because she is strong like you. You always taught me to support those that I love and that is what I am doing. Please Mom for ME, be supportive. Who knows maybe this will be the new start we all need and I know that *Suzy* wants also, you do know if she didn't care about a relationship with you i wouldn't bother her but it does.';





Also if you have a daughter - throw that in to the conversation. Mention to your Mom too that this is NOT About *Suzy* but for ALL Women/Men/Children/Parents whose lives are touched by this.





Basically - PLAY THE GUILT CARD





Then when all is said and done - Talk to your wife and let her know that you would love to see her and your mom work out their differences - because they really are alot alike - and they both love you with all their hearts. If your mom does send a contribution - encourage your wife to personally contact her and thank her (with a card) and maybe send them to lunch together. You never know.
I think you need to apologize to your mother.





You basically tried to guilt and bully her into donating money. I think even the Race for the Cure organization would frown on that. Its a charity and your mother doesn't have any obligation to fork over anything if she doesn't want to.





She may have the money, but that's not the point. Maybe she does contribute to other charities that are more personal and have more meaning to her?





Maybe she's done research into this particular group and doesn't like their mission statement, or what kind of research the money would fund. If they test on animals, stem cell research, etc. things she might find unethical, then she's not going to want to be a part of it!





And there are thousands of charitable organizations in need of donations and one person can only give so much.





Perhaps she also finds it tacky, or would be embarrassed, that her name and donation amount would be out there for all to see? Some people are very private and don't have a need or a want for their charitable donations to be publicized.





Yes your wife is taking it too personally; It's understandable since she lost her mother to it, but she can't expect EVERYONE to fork over cash to her just because she's experienced a terrible loss. She's not the only one, and those that I have known that have lost parents or even children, don't look at me as a piece of poo because I don't contribute money to what ever cause they support.





Your mother doesn't deserve to be thought of that way by your wife either.
Don't force it. PLEASE READ MY SOURCE BELOW TOO:





I have had cancer since 2003. This is not a FAMILY issue, it's a MORAL issue between them and CHARITABLE organizations and I will tell you why. ---And I know that, even though people work their heart and soul out for this, that only 1/3 if that, of the donations actually filter down to those who actually need it. MOST of it goes to the ORGANIZATION, THEN it pays the higher ups, THEN it pays others, THEN it pays office spaces, THEN it goes to advertisement, THEN it goes to the research, THEN it only BEGINS to start to filter down. And that hurts. So I do NOT contribute anylonger either because of this.





They may know this and understand it too. They may just contribute to their church organization and that is it because they know how it works. I am very, very, very upset how these organizations don't filter down the monies, sorry. So I can very much , well understand your parents.





Dont push the issue. Because it's a moral issue. It's not a FAMILY issue.





PLEASE READ BELOW MY SOURCE:
Confronting your mother-well, maybe, did you do so in such a way as to make her feel defensive? Maybe you should just quietly try to get her to see how important this is for your wife. I think it's excellent that your wife is doing this-it helps her through her grieving process-so many times when people lose someone close to them-they feel so helpless-it's wonderful that your wife turned it into something positive and you are so supportive of her! I can't understand why your mother refuses to contribute-sounds like some kind of power struggle or something. It's hard not to take it personally, but your wife is doing such a great thing here, she should really try not to! She should focus on the many people who have contributed and when you and she are with your parents-don't even bring it up. If they ask about it, keep the answers short and pleasant, don't bring up the issue of contributing. Maybe, in time, they will come to see how important this is to you both, but I don't think they will if they feel pressured about it!
if she said that she was going to contribute then she is wrong but if she did not say that, well she is not wrong. u cant force some one to do something
Maybe if it wasn't so much about supporting your wife but just supporting the actual cause, they would be more willing. However, this should not be something that divides a family. That takes away from the spirit of giving. Your wife needs to be grateful for all those who have donated and not resent those who chose to donate to other causes.